Poetry (3)

First Glimpses of Meaning

Poem #1

School is a pill,
I’ve had my fill.
I’m gonna crack,
If I go back.
Everyday is all the same
School is just a stupid game
Society plays to shape and form
Each and every new-born.

Poem #2

Spinning, spinning, spinning ever around,
Like a model train set, imprisoned
In an endless circle until the energy which
Gives it life is turned off by the hand of a giant
Enthusiast (at his whim) whom the tiny toy train never
Comprehends.

The circle of track has a tunnel
Night/Day
Night/Day

A Simple Meaning

Smile with wonderment at what exists around you,
For whether or not you know it, it is true,
That beyond our limited range of sight,
      beyond the shadows of both day and night,
      beyond all the beauties I could describe,
      And beyond the grasps of deceit and bribe,
A truth stands firm, unseen, yet not,
corrupted or diminished by Man’s mental rot,
Which left him stuck in the world of today
feeling oppressed by his sense’s decay.

If only you could feel the way
The ecstasy I’m feeling swells this day
far further than I can see, hear, touch, or smell.
      Beyond the grasps of heaven and hell.
Inside, I have spread to infinity…
I’m drawing strength and vitality
which is available to all who seek,

I plead you to accept this reality.
For then you can join me at this place,
Where pride, hate, shame, and fear fall from grace
to obscurity and a small dark place,
      Far from where I stand.

If you have ever read Sacred Journey of the Peaceful Warrior by Dan Millman, you might be interested in how closely one of his visions came to what I wrote about 8 years ago.

Lonely Selfishness

Reflections

Peering into the face of a pond,
The ripples quiver, the reflection
Of myself: not whole, but reflected in parts,
My complete face split into sparking shards.

Peering out towards a mirror,
Pond reflections face my peers.
To shirk action’s responsibility,
In shards of light, I am he, or she.

I learn to look from under the surface-
Through my mind’s eye at the reflected face
I say, “That’s not me. Can’t you see,
That he is to blame, the one I copied.”

Knock, Knock. Is anyone there,
Behind the water’s surface glare?
A truth I seek, the answers reek
Of dust and disuse, from honesty’s abuse.

Hip Hop Dream

Shake, shiver, jive, roll…
Cool hip, man!
Taking toll
On boys and girls whose sole intent
Is drowning themselves in music sent
Through mounted speakers on the walls
Surrounding multi-coloured, spotlit floors.

He swears that he’ll be dancing when he dies,
She swears that she’ll go by his side.

To dance, to sleep. No more.

A Case for God

Mr Magoo leans on his cane,
Reciting madly, again and again,
“I don’t exist and yet I do,
Because I’m real to believers in Mr Magoo!”

The Arrogant Many

In many facets of school life,
Arrogance is running rife.

Although not everyone’s to blame,
People exist who play the game-

Where they’re A-1, and they alone,
Sit on their self-devoted throne.

Students, teachers, authorities:
Legends in their own fantasies.

Imposing themselves on other beings.
Forcing the ‘lesser’ ones to believe-

‘Numero Uno’ is here to stay
And no-one else is as good as they,

Or beautiful, or strong, or smart, or cool.
I’d like to stand up, call them tools,

But all I hate in them I see,
Is something I can find in me!

Poem

Whispering breeze, you tell sweet lies
You promise so much
But you hide from us your icy blast
Two-faced wind you comfort then kill
Where is your heart and soul?

You suit your action to your whim
You live your life of hyprocrisy
In ignorance of your cardinal sin
Mighty, evil or benevolent you may be
In the end, you are only wind to me.

Spiritual Expansion

Play the game of spiritual expansion
There’s many different ways
There’re many different levels on which
You choose to live your day

Your options are as follows:

Worship your guru and follow his wisdon
Live to his word and be part of his dominion

    If you live by the sword, you will die by the sword,
    If you live by the dollar, you will die by the dollar

Worship yourself and you close your eyes
to the poor of soul and material’s cries

    If you live by the self, you die by yourself
    If you take out an eye, you will lose an eye

Worship God and live to his word
So that his wisdom can be seen and heard

    If you live by God, you die beside God
    But you’ll live forever for your life’s endeavour.

Live and love, grow and show
Expand yourself spiritually
And you’ll be shown
The bliss of living a life of good
The life God thought we really should

Live by anyone but he
And you’ll not grow up spiritually
With the Holy Spirit in your soul
But rather, there’ll expand a hole
Of blackness filled with flashes of hate
You’ll be knocking at hell’s gate
The gate beyond which hate is pure
Suffering is painful to endure
Truth is hidden and love destroyed
The Devil’s toys will play with you

Poem

Still I search with blind and misguided eyes
Still I walk the path I so much despise
When I stand among the unknown
The fears rise which I am told
Are unnecessary, for I cannot be hurt
Beyond death.

Beyond death…
    I feel?
    I search still?
    I meet my maker!

But I am still here…
    And I still live in fear.

And hypocrisy.

May I crawl out of my shell of these human failings
And into the arms of the comforting mother
And into the words of the comforting father
And into the light

My companion to be, the search is my destiny?

Do I get to share it with a friend,
The special one who chooses to share with me?

God dictate my destiny.
I place myself in the hands of thee.

So why do I wil look for the mask which pleases
To qualify one for eligibility?

Poem

I’m back and I’m slime.
Madness incinerates my purity
Welcome to the crematorium of Mark
Burn! Burn! Burn! Trying to sound demented
It’s fun to have abandon, short term emotional overdrive
Emotions lie, time is lost, the wheel spins around
You’re already under the ground

Melbourne Gathering

The first night, the test
Something new, something quite unexpected.
The trial by loneliness, exiled to my tent
I was alone, and yet accompanied - carried - by hope, and faith
That’s what it is like
On an island.
The emotions overwhelm, leaving you pitiful,
In desparate need of female comfort
( to take advantage of? )
    The dreams are dying
    The dreams of promise which hang on to every word and smile
    Which burn as memories burn, and die as memories die
    And time flails on.

The Fullness of Life

Song

How lucky we are. How blessed we are
That our God hates sin and evil.
That He’ll use his power to help us see
Our deeds are wrong and evil.

Praise God! He won’t tolerate or compromise.
He hates all wrong, but he loves the right.
He doesn’t change to suit His mood.
In Him we can trust and not take fright.

“Be not afraid,” He commands in a thundering voice.
“How can we not be?” resounds the plaintive reply.
“Be still and know that I am God,
The one who delights in all that is right.”

Jesus preaches, “I stand at the door,
And wait for you to let me into your core,
Because I hate it when people serve with their mouths.
They have whitewashed walls, but a desolate house.”

Father, Son, Holy Spirit, help me see
Your righteous nature for I am suspicious.
Open my eyes to your love for my life
And the room you are placing my heavenly riches

Poem

Running through the windswept reeds
They try to break my flow
My passage through time
My passage through mind
To a place of eternal peace

My God inspires such delights
Such as I cannot imagine
For the reeds which stem my flow
Also blind and cripple me
Until I think I’m left alone

My instincts, Oh human nature
Thou hast oft left me in distress
I placed my faith in thee
and yet ye chase your wan desires
But all the time I only asked
My goodness to transpire

I wish to tune myself to the voice
Which comforts in time of sorrow
I only ask to hold the hand
Which promises life tomorrow
I strive toward the path of truth
The perception of right and wrong
From the viewpoint of my God’s eyes
So that I may not be misled by Satan’s spies

I pray that I may be lifted up high
By the beauty that I may sometime fully realise
The reeds are high
they block the view
But with Jesus with me I jump for joy
And see above the strangling grass
For maybe just a second
At the beautiful garden which lies beyond
The one we know as Eden… Paradise.

Psalm 1

Lord, write your words across my heart,
So that under Satan’s attack it may impart,
Your message of hope to my doubtful mind
To restore trust: my salvation’s lifeline.

When my family and friends try to convince me
Not to take your words so seriously,
Satan’s arrows fire at my soul,
To weaken my reason and resolve.

But, Lord, I return to your words of promise,
That implore me not to compromise
On your message or turning from sin in repentence,
To live by your word in loving obedience.

Your wisdom and love form my fortress!
May I take refuge there in times of duress.
I prau that by you my spirit be taken,
Before Satan’s salvoes leave me shaken.

Psalm 2

Lord, make your words guide my every footfall.
Write them on my heart to be seen by all,
So that those who seek may be shown the way
To receive life; and in your light remain.

I love your work in the lives of the earnest,
The seekers of truth and light.
Though we all fall far short of your glory,
Your son’s death has set us right.

Bring the righteous to glorious salvation,
Regardless of religion or nation.
Continue your work until all who are open,
Can be fished from the world’s sinful oceans.

Psalm 3

If ever I am proud, cut me down, my Lord,
That my heart may not harden against your Word.
Protect my soul from the sin that is rife,
Before it’s cancerous growth spells the end to my life.

Upon my heart, Lord, shine your light
So my sins may be seen and then set right.
Listen to my pleas to change my heart;
Bestow grace, and force Satan to depart.

Lord, I am crushed in the face of the sin
Revealed from the depths of my heart within,
Change me and lift me, I humbly pray,
So I may praise you again with joyous acclaim.

1993

Dawn has broken on a New Year
And some lessons have been learned.
I still succumb to the control of fear
But change is coming, for which I’ve yearned.

The biggest thing myself I hated
Was laziness, apathy, and inaction.
The battle against these has not abated
But I now have the chance to build conviction.

My aim by the end of 1993
Is to be filled with God’s peace;
To give God the reins so He can lead
And I’ll enjoy the victories!

Casting Adrift

Anger

Redness cascading like blood down the walls of my sanctuary.
My centre; the bedroom of my mind; my have of security
Was invaded, peace shattered, the beast has moved in.
The beast is anger radiating and intensifying my sin.

Anxieties

People will let me down but God won’t.

He cares for me more than dandelions,
But they are clothed beautifulle.
He made nature entwined
So why do I still worry?

Joy? Where is it?
Hidden behind a dark curtain
On which life is projected.

I want to want the best for others
Security that I have what I need
Content with what God’s given me
Just happy to be free.

The Search for Acceptance

The mind plays games just under the surface
With the people l talk to. It has it’s purpose
To extract some love and confirmed acceptance
Against myself works this ungodly offence.

But it’s mine, I mustn’t deny the truth
Or hide that I’m selfish and my acts are proof.
I don’t like others seeing me out of control,
But honesty is a balm that soothes the soul.

I draw out too many long-winded reasons
For remaining fruitless over four seasons.
I want to find justification, to feel OK,
But I’ve learnt that I just want to do it my way -

And take credit for life, money, a girlfriend and power
Without being humble to God and letting faith’s flower
Bloom into peace and acceptance of grace
And delight in being able to show God my face.

“Delight yourself in the Lord,” He says,
” And He will give you the desires
of your heart.” So accept the Lord’s precepts,
Because that’s how He’ll lift your life higher.

God has accepted me as an elected one.
What more do I want if I’m a treasured possession?

Song

Doesn’t it hurt when you try to do your best
Keep on falling down, have to get up again.

Isn’t it easier not to try at all?
Because when tryin’ and you mess up, you feel the pain more.

I know when I die I grow.
Fear of life makes it come so slow.
Sometimes I feel like I just can’t go on.

Lonely

I asked God to let me see
The reasons I felt - emotionally,
In my chest - a hole, a longing…
But I’m Christian! Where’s my sense of belonging?
I yearn, I can’t deny it.
I’m supposed to feel joy.

The world teaches that to be happy,
I need a woman, sex, toys and money.
Maybe a drink would soothe the feeling -
But only for a bit. It would return again.

Could I be ready to write poetry again?
Last time it gave me joy.
All these distractions are temporary.
God! Why aren’t you close to me?

Or is something ready to come out?
Thing are never as bad as I dream.

I can and do bury myself in a pursuit.
But now that I’ve stopped, and I’m at rest,
The yearning remains.

Father, show me what I yearn for.
I will not be afraid.

I feel like I have no anchor.
I like feeling this way.
Am I just being compulsive?

Poetic Balm

The soul must be searched
Decisions are mine
Am I looking back
On my emotional bind?

On self-solution of my soul’s troubles
For my own self-worth
Am I rejecting my spiritual rebirth?
Why did I throw out
The poems from the past?
I no longer needed them
But my heart didn’t want to let go of them
And I want them back
I threw them out, out of emotion.

So long as I live life under God’s wisdom
I will grow ( thanks to God) as part of His kingdom.
This truth will not change: that he knows what I need.
So be humble, my heart, and water the seed
That God planted in you and watered with love.
And remember the seed is sprinkled with blood.
May it flower through faith understanding God’s grace
And that God gives me reason to run out this race.

I Just Wanna Feel, OK?

It’s simple, I’m frustrated, and
    I just wanna feel, OK.
I’m solutions oriented, so how do I change
    ’Cos I just wanna feel OK.
Maybe if I do some good acts among others,
I’ll be able to sleep at ease among brothers,
Having done my lot to erase the guilt
My foundation of safety once again firmly built
    Only to fall again?

For I wanted to be able to help myself
And take pride in what I do and say.
I wanted the credit for my life and my fruit.
I just wanted to feel OK.

Oh, heart! Be silent! Be humble! Look on!
Accept and appreciate God’s gift of his son.
Surrender your life to the master above.
You’ll be OK, by living under his love.

Death of a Conscience

Day by day, I see a little less
Of the rocky road that will lead me to happiness
Day by day, my feelings get more suppressed
I tune the radio to the station that’s the loudest

But I’m not depressed

Like a fading dream, is the hope I hold
To break down and cry, could I be so bold?
To open up my eyes, to see what I’m told
To get into life, before I’m too old, too old

I’ve grown cold

Inhumanity no longer seems so bad to me
I feel nothing in the face of a world’s screams
I feel nothing in the face of my broken dreams
Nothing in the future really matters, or so it seems

There are no dreams

There will come a day when I stop running away,
From the things that scare me frozen today
My feet are fixed, but I think I like it that way
Help me please, don’t let my life decay

I want to play
In the land of the living
I don’t want to fade
Fade away

Vision Impaired

Song

From the first you have to obey
Do the lot from your very first day.
“But I don’t love,” Don’t worry, just obey.
For the right heart, you’ll just have to pray.

I can’t go on
To the beat of a heartless drum
Swallowing whatever comes
Commands sugar-coated
With the promise I’ll be loaded
And rewarded after I’ve passed on
If I just keep preaching along
But I have read, if I don’t love
I won’t be getting a thing from above.

Back Where I Began

I didn’t know
As I wandered down the road
That the scenery ahead
I had passed by long ago.

I didn’t realise
I was looking with blind eyes
I’d been shot without feeling
Any pain, now I despise, I despise.

Chorus:
But I feel like I’m back
Where I began
I just don’t want to see
Or understand

If I had the wings
Of an eagle I would fly
Fly above the fears
Sail through the storms and tears

My journey could have been
Full of the smell of victory
Marching through life,
Holding up job, child and wife.

Poem

Sin still gives me a sense of wisdom
Warning for the future
A light along a long worn path,
Open a spiritual suture.

What do I think? It depends who asks -
if I’m angry or I’m friendly -
if I can manipulate someone over
to my side by my sensing -

Of what they think - the things they feel
though I don’t feel the same.
Actually, I’m scared to know what I think.
Thus continues this masquerade…

Friends? I have none because I don’t
want to put them first
So how on earth can I uphold
the relationship for which I thirst?

Poem

Sitting in an ocean of opposing views
Fearful of disagreeing with what they say and do.
A tide washes back and forth moving as one
But I always bobbed across the top,
Fearful of diving down.

So now I bob, a cork afloat,
No anchor down below.
Who knows what lies ahead - above -
No cork can see, you know.

Shake away the cobwebs of a life I had,
With just one friend on whom I always depended.
The one who never scared me was a full bottle up-ended.

Confusion

Like getting directions from an Arab in a busy market-place
Is getting signals from my heart and meeting face to face
With true opinions/plans/desires- timid friends
To the point where fear takes over and the friendship ends.

The Lecture Collection

These poems were written after I left the church. Usually at uni during
lectures, or when I should have been finishing assignments.

Software Engineering 2050

There exists a subject we know
As Software Eng. 2050.
It’s run by a teacher,
(read pro-COBOL preacher)
Who’s been round nigh since data has flowed.

(A twinkle in her mother’s eyes,
When ENIAC ruled computing skies)

Mimicry

Oh where, oh where has my interest gone?
Oh where, oh where could it be?
I began my course with such get-up-and-go
Now I’m bored and I just want to sleep

To sleep or not to sleep.
That is the question.
Whether ’tis nobler in the mind to suffer the
slings and arrows of outrageous boredom.
Or to listen to the thousand lecturing shlocks
that undergrads are heir to.
To talk, to sleep.

There was movement at the lecture,
For the word had passed around,
That fellow at the back just let one go….

Floating Point Overflow

I had written him a letter
For I had a want of better
Things to write during a lecture
When there’s half an hour to go.

My heart for knowledge yearning
Spurred my interest to learning
I lifted my head enough to get,
“…floating point overflow…”

My concentration fading
Once again I took up wading
Thro’ unmapped pleasant pastures
Memories of long ago…

The times of innocence
Marked with nights of smoking incense
I spied the clock upon the wall
Still half an hour to go!

Assignment Blues

I’ve got the concurrent assignment blues
Three little projects to do
I’ve got the concurrent assignment blues
Got to start exam revision too
I’d better do them if I want to leave
This place ‘n’ try my hand at something new…

The computer subjects contain
Pictures, programming, and counting too.
The fun comes in hitting keys all day
To make the computer do
The tasks set out in monotones
By lecturers with nothing else to do

Poem

The fear that accompanies tasks undone
Can lead to great inspiration
As the mind works frantically to invent
New paths that I can flee upon

Procrastination, creativity’s best friend
Yet man’s worst enemy once he knows
The way he wants to live his life
Because it traps him in it’s throes.

In my case it leads me to write
I wonder if I can make a life
Avoiding the things I’m supposed to do
If I could make a buck or two
From the poetry, verse, meter, and rhyme
I could make a profit from wasting time!

Poem

If a person chose their own life’s path
Without parental pressure
Would they nought but waste away
Or would they come out better?

Would they find their happiness
Doing only what they wanted,
Or would they learn once their life was burned
Theirs folks advice was warranted?